Vampires. You’ve heard of them, you’ve seen them. You might’ve even read Twilight or watched Supernatural. I don’t know what you know about vampires, so today, I’m going to share what I’ve found out about these spooky supernatural creatures. (Note that this article is supposed to be fun and not to be taken seriously. DO NOT drive a stake through anyone’s heart. Even if you really, really want to. Don’t.)

For starters, vampires hate sacred objects. It’s like their Kryptonite if they were Superman. Bibles and crucifixes are go-to vampire repellents. Holy water works, too. (It has the same effect as acid and will burn a vampire’s skin. I wonder what burning flesh smells like.) I don’t know why vampires are like this. Maybe it’s because they’re considered unholy and wicked. Or perhaps they just dislike religion.

In some myths, running water such as rivers or streams also keeps vampires away. There are many possible explanations for this, so I’m going to list a few because that is the point of this article.

The first is that running water is commonly associated with purity or cleansing in many cultures. Which makes sense, as it is often used for cleaning. The second is that running water is believed to be purer than still water. In certain legends, mythical creatures considered “unholy”  (e.g. zombies, ghosts, naked mole rats) are unable to touch or cross running water because it is purer than them.

Now, let’s talk (or write, I suppose) about garlic. It’s good, as a seasoning, but I wouldn’t recommend eating it plain. I also wouldn’t recommend it to vampires because they are garlic-intolerant. You see, the idea that garlic repels (or in some cases, kills) vampires is said to stem from Europeans in the Middle Ages. Garlic works well as an antibiotic, and that’s been known for a long time. So some people carried it around to ward off spooky things (like vampires, which are considered creatures of disease and misfortune). This same thing applies to the antimicrobial metal known as silver.

Like many people I know, vampires are not too fond of going outside in the daytime. Not because they don’t like socializing, but because they usually turn to dust. It’s pretty obvious which one’s worse – talking to people you don’t know is like trying to cut a diamond with a piece of bread.

If you’re in the mood for some homicide, wooden stakes are also adequate vampire killing machines. I say adequate because using them isn’t very effective, as you must drive the stake through the ribs. But if someone manages to stab through a vampire’s heart, then it will die. (Note that moving a wooden stake through anything’s heart will kill it, so this isn’t a vampire exclusive. The same thing applies to decapitation, one of the only other ways to kill vampires in mythology.)

But why do vampires drink blood? Good question. Blood is crucial to most animals on Earth, except for those with no circulatory system, and vampires drink it to preserve their vitality and to maintain their super-cool vampire powers.

This concludes my article on vampires. Now fly away, and use this newfound knowledge to your advantage. If you’re ever in a job interview and the person interviewing you asks you how to kill a vampire, think back to this article. You’ll thank me later. (Well, probably not. Also, I doubt any office job will require you to slay a vampire.)