Winchester Ackerman
Back in the BOTC Era of Hallway Psychology, I vowed NEVER to release another issue of Hallway Psychology. I felt nothing could ever match the absolute VIBE that was the first one, and that the BOTC HP was proof of that. Never again would anyone get another one out of Crossword Guy. . .
Well, guess what, guys, I’m back! And, staying away from BOTC attitudes, we are stirring back into tasty, delicious drama by doing a one-and-only Prom Edition! You know you wanted it. But first, a huge shoutout to my anonymous informant, who went to prom in my place since I was busy with other matters. She was amazing throughout all this, and most of the details you’re getting from this article were from her. Now, with that out of the way, let’s dive right in!
The Uncomfortable Couple – I love you, but I’m not convinced you don’t have leprosy.
You have most definitely seen these people around. Hiding from spotlights like the phantom of the opera, deeply dreading that any move they make while standing next to each other will somehow result in a scandal enveloping the whole school, and apparently raised in the belief that any form of eye contact with your partner will make you fall into the depths of sin, while in reality they just look like a couple nerds who are scared to be with each other, dance, or really participate in anything that was the sole purpose of their $50. Sometimes we fear those we love, and sometimes we just fear being seen with those we love. But, my informant has the eyes of an awkward blond eagle, and just because you hide in the corner, doesn’t mean you’re invisible to her all-piercing judgment. Or literally everyone else’s, for that matter.
Self-Awareness: 10 / 10. Do you really think someone hiding from dancing that much can be anything but COMPLETELY embarrassed by themselves?
Enjoyment: 4 / 10. Look, if making 3 seconds of eye contact, then hurriedly looking away is your idea of a good time, then you must’ve felt amazing afterward, but personally, that doesn’t seem too fun.
Peacock Factor: 1 / 10. The FIRST THOUGHT in these people’s brains is “Don’tdrawattentiondon’tdrawattention”. There is no peacocking going on here, this is hummingbirding.
Judgment: 7 / 10. They’re better than a lot of others, but you can’t be that afraid of your own shadow (or your partner’s shadow, ooooh don’t touch them together you’ll get cooties) without attracting some sort of clowning.
Overall Score: 6 / 10. It’s not their fault. They’re embarrassed at their situation, and just want to make the best of it with their partner. That said, there are WAY better ways to do it. Starting with making eye contact!
The Slow Dancers – I just imagine every song is I Will Always Love You!
In stark contrast to the last type, the annoying showboats of the dance floor, of whom the only thing worse than their need to be different, is their god awful ear for tempo. We all know and love tangos, waltzes, and the Pyrrhichios, but man, there is a time and step for each one! You can bring all your friends and they can all dance like snails on depressants, but there are other people who want to dance normally, and you are kinda ruining their experience! How many stares must you blatantly ignore until the back of your neck starts getting all sweaty and you think maybe it’s a better idea to go hang out with the Uncomfortable Couple? Huh?
Self-Awareness: 3 / 10. Boy, you look goofier than a dog on a unicycle out there like that. Are your shame neurons cut off from how tight your church-boy necktie is?
Enjoyment: 8 / 10. I would hope you’re enjoying yourself, because if you’re not, you’re just making a fool outta yourself for nothing.
Peacock Factor: 7 / 10. Maybe instead of investing so much time in learning these dances, you should invest time in cleaning your ears out so you can actually hear how fast the current song is going.
Judgment: 9 / 10. If looks could kill, it would be murder on the dance floor for you.
Overall Score: 3 / 10. Trust me, dude, you are not Romeo, and your partner is not 13. If you really need a classic dance to go for, try a cha-cha! It can adjust for tempo, unlike your ears apparently.
The Underclassman – I may be small, but I am mighty! (Mighty bad at dancing)
They run in like flies, and are about the height of flies as well. Crowding all areas with their arrogance, you can only get from someone who slipped in hand-over-prom ticket and bribed the people into letting them in. (As in they didn’t do anything wrong, but I don’t like them, and that means they are bad.) Seniors don’t like ‘em. Juniors don’t like ‘em. Sophom- wait, they are them! Yes, the kings and queens of walking back and forth while dressed like they’re at their great-aunt’s wedding and had to stop on the way to pick up a dress since they can’t show up in sweatpants. The only thing more underwhelming than their outfit is their personality. (This is not talking about you sophomores and freshmen that have a reason to go see friends and actually have fun. These are the “Look at how sick I am showing up where I’m not wanted” people.)
Self-Awareness: 1 / 10. You’re so cool? Go on the dancefloor, boy. I dare you.
Enjoyment: 5 / 10. Not completely sure, actually. Maybe they’re enjoying all the hits their reputation is taking among the upperclassmen.
Peacock Factor: 9 / 10. You’re working so hard to impress, it’s almost sad.
Judgment: 10 / 10. If my informant could pick you off by your height and excessive free time alone, there’s no way anyone else was commenting on you.
Overall Score: 3 / 10. You aren’t an aurafarmer, fam. Maybe grow up a little.
The Lurker – I’m forgetting why I came here.
Going with friends is common for dances like these, but what does a wild high school student do when all their friends instantly abandon them the moment they enter? They stagnate. You can see them, in their natural habitat of the snack table, glued to their phone and pretending to be messaging, but in reality, they’re just watching shorts and checking the time until it’s acceptable to leave. They are forever burdened, looking sad, wishing that a kind soul would just say hi. Or not, maybe they just paid $50 to watch shorts and attach themselves by the hip to the snacks, alone and friendless, with blasting music in the background. I don’t judge.
Self-Awareness: 5 / 10. Self-aware enough not to try to strike up conversation with anyone, but not enough to realize we all see them.
Enjoyment: 3 / 10. I get a very slight feeling that this is not what they came for.
Peacock Factor: 2 / 10. Do you really think they want everyone to see them being sad and alone? Dude, come on.
Judgment: 5 / 10. No one likes acknowledging the sad bois, so most people’s eyes glaze over when they HAVE to see them.
Overall Score: 4 / 10. Be sad that you’re alone all you want, IT IS A DANCE, and you should treat it as such. Unless you’re being completely egregious, no one’ll make fun of you for having fun on your own.
And, with that, I have run out of paper! I hope you enjoyed my judgment, remember that you’re all unique, and maybe if you dressed a bit more unique, Paul and I would like you more! It’s okay, just tips for next time, and remember to never be afraid to let your flag fly! Unless your flag is slow dancing, of course.
Wh-what, you’re still here?! I literally told you the article was ending! It was a conclusion paragraph and everything! . . . “I’M HOLDING OUT ON YOU”?! Well, I can’t print all the things to say about prom, that would be too long for my already long ahh articles, but I suppose while we’re on a digital platform, nobody will mind. BUT, just for that, you’re not getting a conclusion paragraph anymore. I’m just gonna shut it down.
The Influencer – Connection with peers is great and all that, but will it get me clout?
We have people glued to their phones because they’re sad, but what about the people glued to the idea that their 4 followers might find their romantic relationships “interesting” to watch. These people will record their partners’ every burp, retort, or giggle, often getting other people who don’t want to be posted online caught in the crossfire. If you are only here for the selfies and not silently deciding to leave the dancefloor when Taylor Swift starts singing, are you really making the most of your golden years? The more memories you’re recording, the fewer memories you’re making. (Holy crap, Wise Crossword Guy alert! My asian beard will be coming in any second!)
Self-Awareness: 6 / 10. My first thought was to score way lower, but I realized that their self is the ONLY thing they’re aware of.
Enjoyment: 4 / 10. Scored slightly higher because you think they’re enjoying it, but they’re not. Mindful Moment, guys! Enjoy the present! Come on, y’all had Freshman Success! (Actually, the seniors didn’t. That may explain some of this behavior.)
Peacock Factor: 10 / 10. You’re here to flaunt. It’s your entire purpose.
Judgment: 7 / 10. SO many people hate your shiny guts, especially the people who don’t want to see their likeness in your Instagram story the following morning.
Overall Score: 2 / 10. I absolutely despise these people. I’m a big ‘enjoy the time you have at these events’ kinda guy, the type that is secretly boiling with rage at seeing a person on their iPad during a GFHS Band concert. So, seeing these people, at an EVENT THEY PAID FOR, doing nothing but recording each other, a thing they could do LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE, and not spend any time doing what was intended for this event, sets me over the edge and makes me want to diss them in an article. I’m not saying, “Ohh never record yourself and never be on your phone during these things,” but don’t come there for the sole purpose of being fake and pretending to enjoy it, especially when you are one Katy Perry song away from ACTUALLY enjoying it. Just saying.
The ‘Out of the House’ Kid – My parents want me to ENJOY MY HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE? Blehh.
Being inside a house is great. You have literally everything in there, except for a couple of things that are a little higher on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You’ve got books, better wifi, a Day One copy of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, what’s not to want? Well, friends, for one. These are people whose parents forced them to come to a prom dance, against their greatest pleas. Now, without a partner, a friend, or any skill at dancing alone, they sit at tables and wander endlessly, trailing complaints behind them the whole time. Would it be possible for them to make the most of it? Sure. But to do that would break this archetype’s two wholehearted commandments –
“I really don’t want to be here.”
“I need to count the milliseconds until I can go home and watch How I Met Your Mother while pretending to understand anything of the struggles of a millennial.”
Self-Awareness: 5 / 10. I’m not sure. Mmmaybe? Understanding their goal – to have no fun – is part of their very foundation, but I’m not sure if they realize how silly they look.
Enjoyment: 0.5 / 10. To say it is a 1 / 10 is an overestimation. These are people who hate the idea of greeting people without punctuating it with one of their commandments, much less enjoying themselves.
Peacock Factor: 4 / 10. I am sure that they believe there’s something in the vibe they give off that makes them cool. It’s just not their primary or secondary focus. Maybe a tertiary focus, like yellow-green. Unlike yellow-green, however, these people are not my ride-or-die colored pencil when I need to color a plant.
Judgment: 7 / 10. No one likes a party pooper, especially someone pooping the party for themselves.
Overall Score: 3 / 10. Look, I get it. You’re here, against principle, happiness, and all the pride you have in your emo little body. But the inability to look past that and just enjoy a dance (or start moshing, though you might get kicked out) states something about your character. Have fun, dude. Like my maw always says, “You’re playing in the snow whether you darn well want to or not, so you might as well have fun with your brothers.”