Hey, dear readers, it’s me, Crossword Guy! Although if you saw the play, you might better know me as Jarvis. Or, if you didn’t watch the play (or just weren’t paying attention the entire time, to which I could probably pick out some of you)1I SAW YOU, IPAD GIRL. YOU WEREN’T SLICK., I WAS THE DUDE IN THE DRESS. And, since I’m a guy who wears many hats, I’m also doing the Behind-The-Scenes article for our beautiful and glorious club, Tiger Tribune! Please note that I will try to explain these events objectively in the meat of the text, but I’ll keep my lovably condescending tone in a number of footnotes or parentheticals that will be present throughout. If I can’t resist going past without butting in my opinion or something that’s too funny to avoid saying, I’ll drop in and give you some more context. Now, without further ado, we shall jump into all the backstage drama of our play! (Hah, get it? No? It’s okay, it wasn’t funny anyway.)
The choice of what to perform did not come easily for weeks during the start of the allotted decision-making time for the Spring Play. We were all sent on different missions to find a script that would wow the crowd and let us have FUN while performing it. (This is sometimes even a bigger priority than the actual quality of the script. Even if it’s awful, we’ll enjoy it and the crowd will remember it fondly, and it’ll all be alright in the end.) It seemed really easy for us, but it was not. I personally spent hours poring through indie script websites, and nothing of quality was found. In any of it. By anyone. (I asked others afterward, and they all had similar experiences.) Some of us, especially among the freshmen and sophomores, were looking for a cheesy Hallmark-type script like Silver Belles (See Paul Frair’s Rudolph – Behind The Scenes article) and found nothing but dumpster-fire garbage that I wouldn’t even perform to my worst enemy.2If I have to read one more page of A Cop Walks Into A Bra, I will actively punch and shatter my glasses so I am unable to read for 2 weeks, just to avoid reading it any more. My eyes were violated by that entire experience. This was hours of our lives—of our WINTER BREAK!—that we will never get back. And I was so burnt out after the first couple that I never even suggested a single play for consideration.
Well, some people must have submitted a couple, because we finally had quite a few choices! We had Beverly Hillbillies (which was rejected on the grounds that it was an eensy-weensy bit racist), Trap (which was rejected on the grounds that it was bad), This Murder Was Staged (which was rejected on the grounds that it was just The Plot, Like Gravy, Thickens with a different coat of paint), and The Pink Panther. Now, that wasn’t all the options, but it’s all the options that we read as a class. And, with the explanations that I put for each of the plays before the big one, you’d think the vote was almost unanimous for the Pink Panther!
It wasn’t. See, we didn’t reach all of these conclusions right away, and some of our younger recruits in the class (don’t look at me, I voted Pink Panther) felt that This Murder Was Staged would be more fun and less of a hassle to put on. Less of a hassle? Absolutely. More fun? That was under heavy debate, with nearly a 50-50 split on decision. But, after the Pink Panther People appealed to Mrs. Sullivan’s love of a challenge, she eventually agreed on the play that you saw (or didn’t) on Saturday night.
Then, auditions came around! Now, if the people who wanted the roles the most were the ones who got them, this cast would have looked A LOT different (Although Gabe would have still been Closeau). I won’t name names, but someone wanted to be Dreyfus really badly and was crushed when they were unable to measure up.3 Sniff. (Don’t worry, I’m not bitter about it. Big Lil did a great job, and I ended up enjoying Jarvis a little more than I might’ve had I been chosen.) And nobody (especially not your’s truly, really close call I had) wanted to be Fassbender.4So it’s only natural that the person who got Fassbender felt very disappointed indeed.
The point is, a lot of casting was made very fast, and those with second fiddle to the roles they were going for were a little confused. It wasn’t until around late March to early April that Sullivan’s reasons for these casts were actually really coming to fruition. Then it all completely made sense, as you saw (or didn’t) in the play itself.
The first rehearsals were rough. For all of us. Theater nerds have a sort of natural chemistry with certain characters (Coach Comet, my man, for example), and when thrown out of our comfort zones, it is awkward.
At the time of the first after-school rehearsal, no one was super enthusiastic about it, and we couldn’t really get excited even about doing another play. We were mad at each others’ lack of effort, none of us were motivated, and what we really needed was a break.
And oh man, a break we got.
Hamilton (See page 15) was a GODSEND for our rapidly degrading Theater group. By the time we got back, Mrs. Sullivan was in a great mood, Lilly Douglas and Makayla Herb were picking out Jarvis’ hot girl dresses (neither of which made the final cut, but it cheered them up quite a lot), and suddenly our casting didn’t really feel that bad anymore. We were back in action, at least for the moment, and ready to knock this outta the park!
We did not do that. Oh, we IMPROVED. Most definitely. But there was some slight trouble with line-learning and getting cues answered. Plus, there were physical comedy pieces that we just could not get down. The important thing is, though, we went over it again, again, again, ad nauseum, until we got to a point that we felt at least relatively satisfied with.
As we were getting the backdrop delivered (which was $1000 to rent and over $4000 to buy), we discovered something that was not good at all. The bar that was used to hang up the backdrop had a controller that brought it up and down, and it was not working properly.5It would’ve been like the day of the play until it was ready to be in use, due to tech repairs, the fact that we had to do rehearsals at the same time, and getting the huge backdrop itself up. It wasn’t important who at the time, though, since we had to get a cherry picker and get a bunch of dudes to hang it up during rehearsal, which made the interrogation scene even more uncomfortable and crowded than it already was, with the need to go out the doorway and such pretty much blocked off.
During the Interrogation Scene, we had a lot of workshopping to do. I’m sure the most memorable part of that scene, when Kimber Jones is picked up and shaken in order to get a bee out of her skirt, was very stressful for the audience. Trust me when I say it was even more stressful for us. In the first take of the choreography, Gabe was tasked with trying to spin Kimber, which made it very awkward in a small space for the rest of the staff, and got Gabe out of breath very, very fast.6But, at least it was better than what it says to do in the script, which is to get Clouseau to DIVE UNDER Leverlilly’s dress to get the bee out. Plus, obviously, it was unsafe for Kimber if she lost her balance (Which, real kudos to her, she never did). In fact, most times where spinning happened were cut out due to this very reason. Cato jumping Clouseau, the dance between Gabe and Paul (as Assassin), all got cut or heavily workshopped before we made it to the Opening Night.
This brought us, before we even knew it, to Dress Rehearsal. These two words marked the most nerve-wracking event that a Theater student ever has to hear, other than Opening Night. Up to 2 weeks before, the words “Dress Rehearsal” were often used in conjunction with “not ready” and “why oh why must this happen to me.” But, we had to suck it up and get out there. We expected various teachers, the janitors, Steve Berlin, and maybe a couple others.
Like, five people showed up. Maybe. (I was hyping myself up for Mr. Helgeson, Mr. Kniseley, maybe even… ALL the teachers? Was that even possible?) But no, five people. It was honestly a relief. With fewer people there, if we made complete fools out of ourselves, it would be contained to their comforting hands on our shoulders when we were on the verge of tears after the fact. (Which would be more hurtful than if they just laughed at us, for some reason.) But luckily, we didn’t! Not completely, at least.
We had all our usual troubles, the projecting and the fact that we completely lost energy towards the second act (tired teenagers + late night + vast expenditure of energy + 0 snacks during intermission?! Carry the two and you have to be carrying us offstage, cuz there’s no way we’re even staying awake), but it was, overall, pretty good! At least to me. Unfortunately, though, we couldn’t rest just yet, because we had to face the fear of…
☠️Opening Night☠️
(By this point, I was assigned to this article and paying very close attention to anything funny or crazy that happened backstage or in the time before it.)
n the hours before we were due to get our play started, we had our unorthodox dinner for those who stayed at school (unless you were showering or getting something from home, there’s really no reason to leave. Sitting around, playing and eating Mrs. Barth and Mrs. Vento’s cooking? Is there any downside?) of baked potatoes and chili.
We got our makeup done, our contour lines giving us the impression of mewing simply by making a duck face, and got dressed. Oh, and we got our hair done.7If there is anything my hair HATES, it is styling. By the time the stylist was done, I couldn’t tell my hair’s texture from the texture of the 6 bobby pins holding it in place, and I was one of the LUCKY ones. Makayla had 10 and counting as she was undoing her man bun, and she remarked that she found more in the shower later! These hairstylists are playing God! Feeling a bit dizzy, smelling of setting spray, and tasting hairspray (I closed my eyes but not my mouth. Mistake!), we filed into the band room for some R&R and quick costume preparation8I forgot to bring a black T-Shirt on both nights, so guess who was not wearing anything under a dress shirt in front of half a full audience? THIS guy, plus probably some others too. before our big night. (Lemme tell you, when you file in there an hour early and you see Mrs. Sullivan walking to the Mr. Williams podium, you know you’ll have maybe five minutes to go to the bathroom before you report onstage. The long motivational speeches, plus the time it takes to wind down, there’s no time for the smaller things, like “drinking water” or “taking a piddle”.) (Okay, I joke, but you can do these things, it’s just you often get so caught up in what Mrs. Sullivan or whoever’s speaking is saying that you forget you can literally just walk out and heed nature’s call if you need to. As for drinking water, generally it waits till we’re backstage.)
Now, there were audience rumors of a SPIDER on the stage during the start of Act One that Gabe accidentally took out with his hat. Now, as I have no doubt you’re dying for someone backstage to confirm or deny this, I’ll send my verdict in as, yes, there was! As we were cleaning up the set, we found a HUGE dead spider stuck in the tape behind the sign on the base of the stage. It was there for like a week, so it was basically mummified.
Speaking of things falling on the stage, just a quick moment of silence for the two vases on either side of the curtain, they will be missed. They didn’t even break, but they sustained irreparable trauma that will no doubt carry over into our next performance. Oh, and DOUBLY speaking of things falling on the stage, sometimes we would drop a prop, and, just, no one would pick it up. I don’t know why.
People definitely noticed it, it was just a long night. And those earrings that fell weren’t mine, I don’t even know what they were doing there. (Everyone apologize to Makayla Herb for the amount of crap she had to step over while walking on one leg.9She got a cane, she was gonna USE THE CANE, dang it! This posed a lot of precariousness when Dreyfus was pushing her around, however, since she had to be very careful not to end like Huey Emmerich’s first appearance in The Phantom Pain. (“What does that mean, Crossword Guy? Is this just one of your dumb nerd Metal Gear Solid references?” . . . No comment.))
The assassin scene from Friday was ROUGH, especially speaking as someone who almost sold that scene so many times. It wasn’t obvious to those watching, but the water splash that Gabe threw to blind Paul completely missed him and sprayed. Straight. Onto. Our. One thousand dollar. Rental. Backdrop. We are very lucky that “Little” Lilly Douglas decided against putting any food coloring or sugar in the offending glass, because we might have fallen super-mega far into debt if it were so. Also, Paul Frair bruised his legs multiple times after being flung offstage. The space between the wall and the backdrop is not a lot, and he crashed completely into a table hidden out of sight for the Pink Panthers to set up the next scenes. Luckily, he was alright, but we were always worried constantly both for his and the backdrop’s safety.
So, I’ll bet you’re asking at this point, “Crossword Guy! You were in the play, too! Did anything interesting happen with you?” Yes, mine mostly centered around costume changes. We had one shared changing tent backstage, and the unventilated inside smelled like the afternoon band room magnified by ten.10That is to say, smelling strongly of sweat, feet, and rubber. In between the Interrogation Scene and The Mirage Scene, both of which requires an active part by Jarvis, there is a 5 – 10 minute transition period, easily enough to change into costume. Now, take into account that the actors have to be ready before the Pink Panthers are done setting up. Subtract two minutes. Now take into account the time it takes to run to the band room and back in heels while making no sound backstage.11And do NOT go “Oh, well you could just take them off”. Fair point, but I was wearing see-through no-show socks. I was not about to just advertise my floppy, basically bare feet to the entire class. They were staring enough already! Subtract one minute. Now take into account the makeup that we need to apply for the scene, including lipstick and eyeliner, which have to be done slowly to avoid messing up. Subtract 3 – 5 minutes.
So, in the ideal perspective, I had around two minutes to throw my pants and belt off, scoot into that dress and super long gloves (which I didn’t know actually had assigned hands until literally opening night), unbutton my sleeves in the dark, get my hellspawn of a bowtie off my neck, and report to the office for makeup. (I actually got pretty good at it. Although I do have to credit Mrs. Barth for cleaning up after my whirlwind of clothes that I made in an extreme rush.)
That actually pretty much covers everything I can talk about for Friday, but, as you know, there was also…
Saturday.
This one was much easier than Friday, to say the least, though Mrs. Vento did learn her lesson with the chili. We had muffins. What did we have with them? More muffins. (There was more than that, don’t worry. But, as an avid lover of muffins, that was my personal diet on that day.) We got our makeup done, Big Lil learning from her contour lines, got our hair done, same amount of bobby pins if not more that last time (though I did close my mouth for hairspray this time) and we reported down to the band room even faster than we did the day before! We did the whole spiel again, though this time no urgent bathroom breaks were required, and we stepped backstage for our final performance.
There seems to only be one more question you might have. I’ll address that right here. So, the blush. My blush. The blush that I had on stage. The sheer volume of it was not intentional. It was very dark in the office and seemed like less blush in the lighting. Suffice it to say, the bright stage lights are very different from the nearly pitch black of backstage! And trust me, when I saw the pictures, I was more mortified than anyone could have been in my position.
Other than that, I just want to say that everyone did a great job and I am proud of all of you. Thank you for humoring my biased data collection, and enjoy the rest of your life!
