Student Life

Hallway Psychology – Presented By Crossword Guy!

Winchester Ackerman, Journalist • April 7, 2025

Welcome, suitors and soliliquents! (A cross between soliloquy and delinquent. Is that even a word? Well, it’s a word in my book. My book is this article, which is kind of like a book except it’s a piece of a newspaper, and not anything like a book except for the attributes of having text and being written beautifully, but you get it.) I’m your hallway psychologist, an observer of the high school populous’ melodrama, here to drop a bunch of opening strategies that people employ when they’re trying to get you or an individual to date them. Please note that these by no means cover every single group of people (although they could, I’m running 3 pages already) and are just meant to be relatable. Yeah, sorry, DAD, not all of my articles have to be hard-hitting news, and this is the exact reason why I don’t tell you the stuff I work on! (Enjoy the article, Dad. I’m sorry I constantly disappoint you.)

The One-Time Thing – Random display of affection, then business as usual.

Synopsis: Imagine, if you will, you’re walking on autopilot in the halls, not really thinking about anything in particular except dreading your next class or about what’s for lunch, and you get a random note or gift from someone you know (or someone you don’t, if they’ve decided to be as awkward as humanly possible), like right there, for seemingly no reason. You open it up once you’ve gotten to a place where you won’t be judged by your peers, and it turns out to be a VERY weirdly timed love confession. You feel a lot more tension around them after seeing it, dreading being put on the spot where they’ll bring it up or try to follow up, and they just never mention it again. Everything is back to such business as usual that you feel like it was all in your head. What the heck?

Effectiveness: 3 / 10. Unless you decide to say something, nothing will ever come of it. Whether that’s good or bad is up to you.

Discretion: 10 / 10. There is no chance of you being put on the spot.

Consideration: 6 / 10. It’s discrete and relatively harmless.

Awkwardness: 7 / 10. HOW DO YOU REACT TO THIS, DUDE?!

Overall Score: 6.5 / 10. There are worse ways to go about this, but there’s no way anything will stem from it unless you grow a stomach and ASK. Or, y’know, just don’t do anything. That’s what I do, anyway.

The Little Bird – I’m going to make this everyone else’s problem!

Synopsis: Imagine sitting in your group, minding your own business, when this self-absorbed, inconsiderate jerk that you happen to call your friend decides that you look more like a mailman than a person who wants to just hang out and live their life. You get handed a note and a couple of words dictated to you to say and before you know it you’re walking over to this person you’ve said exactly 3 words to in order to speak on your “friend”’s behalf. Why are you even participating in this back-and-forth, like siblings who are giving each other the silent treatment? Where is the line between wingman and steward? You resolve to have a talk with your friend after you break the news to them that their crush said no.

Effectiveness: 5 / 10, it could really go either way, to be honest.

Discretion: 2 / 10. Handing this off to someone else is only slightly more discreet than making a prom request sign in front of half the English wing.

Consideration: 1 / 10. Not only is this person not giving themself OR the person they’re asking the respect to actually bite the bullet and advocate for themselves, but they’re also not

considering the slight prospect that their friend MIGHT NOT WANT TO FREAKING DO THIS CRAP!

Awkwardness: 4 – 9 / 10. Depends on the answer, but most of the awkwardness lies on the poor sod who has to act as a valet.

Overall Score: 3 / 10. Don’t do this crap to your friends. Literally, anything else is better than this, at the very least you aren’t throwing the people you care about under the bus for something that’s YOUR PROBLEM. “Gee, Crossword Guy, it sounds like you’re speaking from experience!”, I am, dear reader, and I am weighed down by the weight of the second-hand rejection on my shoulders.

The Coin Flip – I could quote Shawn Mendes for this one, but I don’t want to bring back awful memories for you guys.

Synopsis: Have you ever had a time when someone said something to you, and you were so confused about what to say back because it could have like, 3 different meanings? That’s what these kinds of people will do when dating comes up. They’ll say something directed at you that’s so vague that it seems like they might like you, but also you don’t want to assume, because they might’ve just been joking, being nice, or giving you a backhanded compliment. The possibilities are endless. So, you’ll get a couple of these and you’ll sit in your thoughts, stringing up this red string investigation board, and you’ll end up getting nowhere. Because if you’re wrong, you have a lot of embarrassment heading your way. So just, never bring it up!

Effectiveness: 8 / 10. It’s a quick way to get someone thinking about you, even if they think you’re weird.

Discretion: 6 / 10. There are ways to go about it that would make it not discrete, but the strategy itself isn’t particularly flashy.

Consideration: 10 / 10. They can take it any way they want to. The only pressure is the pressure they’re putting on themselves.

Awkwardness: 7 / 10. But none towards the person using it!

Overall Score: 8.5 / 10. I LOVE seeing this happen because it’s so funny to me. It’s like seeing one of my friends try to be Sherlock Holmes, except all the evidence is 3 words a girl said to him. Plus, as a romantic drama fan, it’s like a real-life soap opera.

The No Pressure! – You can answer whatever you want, but I’ll make you feel guilty if you say no!

Synopsis: This is the Prom Sign Guy that I see all the time, and it always works out the same way. RE-JECTED. And personally, I can understand why. These are the people that make a huge glitter sign and a flower bouquet and a whole box of disgusting artificial orange flavored chocolates (that I’m allergic to) and present it to you in front of half the entire school. They’ll try showering you with gifts that just kind of make you feel uncomfortable, and the whole thing will feel rushed and you’ll feel guilty no matter what your response is. It feels unsettling. Personally, I don’t want all this thought put into me if you just want to go and lurk next to a snack table and only come onto the dance floor when there’s a Katy Perry song. If this is you (the strategy, not the ideal dance hangout) PLEASE, JUST ASK, AND WAIT FOR AN ANSWER BEFORE GETTING OUT THE GLITTER. Jeez.

Effectiveness: 1 / 10. This holds the LOWEST success rate of asking someone out that I have ever seen in the halls.

Discretion: 1 / 10. If I can get secondhand embarrassment from 4 rooms away, you can bet it’s not very discrete.

Consideration: 3 / 10. Considering what they might take for a bribe? Yes. Considering that they might not want their relationship status broadcasted to their entire grade? No.

Awkwardness: 10 / 10. There’s no coming back from that.

Overall Score: 2 / 10. And that HAS to mean something if it’s lower than The Little Bird. This is NOT the way to go, people! I am 90% sure that you would be more likely to go with someone if they just asked instead of making it the high school equivalent of an Emergency Alert System.

I wouldn’t say that any of these are particularly bad or good, but some are definitely worse than others. Though if you or someone around you is interested in someone, it would be best to just ask them. You have nothing to lose, really, and I, your faithful Crossword Guy, would respect you much more if you did. You might be thinking, “Gee, Mister Crossword Guy, why should I care what you think? I could probably beat you up!”. Well, pen beats the sword, kid, for one, and also just know that I will try my hardest to support you no matter what your decision in this season. Until next time, have fun, love actually, and enjoy your February!

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About the Contributor

Winchester Ackerman, Standing Webmaster

Hello, newfound Dear Reader! If you stubled upon my page, you are doing one of two things – A) You are looking through every staff profile, I’m nothing special, you want me to get on my crossword hobbled knees and beg for your interest as a viewer, or B) You’re wondering who put together those absolutely beautiful website ads / homepage / calendar events / a million other things, and that’s not just me running out of examples. Either way, you are on my page, you have kept reading rather than turning away in disgust and moving on to Leighya’s bio, and I am nothing if not a gracious host. In the metaphorical house that is this website, thisis my little bedroom, so I’m going to scoop all my metaphorical Fallout merch and various other nerd crap into my metaphorical closet, and give you a non-metaphorical explanation of who I am. Well, you just sat through a paragraph of essentially nothing being said (Mr. McCabe may call that an “introduction paragraph”) and, unless you are very VERY dense (it’s okay, I’ve worked with dense readers before. How do you think I got temporarily vilified in November?) you’ve probably noticed that I’m very talkative. Okay, yeah, I’m a yapper. You won’t find anyone in Tiger Tribune as yappalicious as me, but you also won’t find anyone in Tiger Tribune who takes so few off-days. The truth is, Dear Reader, writing is FUN for me. (Horrified gasp!) It’s probably fun for the others, too, but it’s especially fun for me. The enjoyment of setting up a tone, (currently I’m in “charming condescension”. Do you like it?) ignoring basic grammar rules to make a piece flow better, it’s one of the most basic pleasures of the flesh! (And then you’re all like, “What does that mean, Crossword Guy? What are the other ‘basic pleasures of the flesh’?” Well, um, to answer that, Dear Reader, I have backed myself into a corner with this thought process! You’ll learn all about those in Health class, but I’m going to cut to an indent right about now. And by that I mean food. It’s food, man.) So, you’ll notice, if you ask around, that I go by many names. Winnie, Crossword Guy, Coach Comet, Ainsley Jarvis, Slightly Darker Shawn Spencer, That Real Awful Guy Jerry, what do they all mean? Well, for one thing, I could explai half of those names by the fact that I’m in Theater. We get a lot of names that are not neccessarily our names in that class. The others, well, any good author, artist, or practitioner has to have a good furson- PERSONA- PERSONA, I MEANT PERSONA. It’s just a simple law of the jungle, and by jungle we mean classroom, and by we, we mean I. Confusing? Good. It’ll distract you. See, without an epithet, we are nothing. It doesn’t even have to be a good one. Think about it, would you rather be known as “Kyle” and be instantly forgotten about the moment people take their eyes off you, or would you rather be “The Kid Who Peed His Pants Onstage During Night Of The Arts”, and be forever immortalized in Granite Falls history? It’s just a matter of recognition. We’re four paragraphs in, and it seems like we really haven’t gotten anywhere, have we? Should I just pile on essential information here so I can make up for your lost time? I’m a Freshman. (Note to self: Remember to edit in Sophomore next year.) I create the crosswords, minigames, horoscope, website formatting (some of it), articles, more horoscopes that never get published because the editors don’t go over it in time so by the time it’s finished and ready to publish the stars in question have already passed (I’m still kinda bitter about that, Allyssa), and a lot of art and thumbnails, some of which will never see the light of day. I am Director of Diversion, President of Preamble, and Judge of All That Is Nonsensical. It’s my unofficial job, none of which ever will go on a Tiger Tribune jacket, unfortunately. I have a lot of nerd interests that I can go on and on about (ask Paul. Or really anyone.) and a deep hatred for both Edward and Jacob. (YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THEM, BELLA! HALF THE MEN IN WASHINGTON WOULD KILL FOR A GOTH GIRLFRIEND!) To be honest, I just enjoy the little things. That’s what makes a newspaper shine, not the bulk, or the front page, or what the other writers pour their heart and soul into, it’s me, all me, because that’s just the way the world works! (For the denser among you, Dear Readers, I’m being sarcastic.) So, to cut this all off on a high note, my relatively short life’s work is dedicated to people’s enjoyment of Tiger Tribune, and it will most likely remain that way until I either graduate or horrifically and suddenly die! Thank you for reading.